I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
