ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize