woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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