how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
