oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize