He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
