the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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