Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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