i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
