Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
