...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
If that was your dad, he is hot
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
