I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
