i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
