Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
