I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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