It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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