Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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