Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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