We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
