and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
