Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
