i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
