he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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