Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize