I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
So here I am, sexting at work.
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