chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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