my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
