living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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