We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
