I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
