Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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