My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
We left an ass print on the piano.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Randomize
