So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Randomize
