im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
