Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
