mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
