Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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