he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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