so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
