so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize