I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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