I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Randomize