evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
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