Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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