I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
