Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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