I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
