I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
