I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Houston, we have a blender
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
