he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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