So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
