Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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