I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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