So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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