The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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