i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
