You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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