peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
