gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
