he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
