hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
whose parrot is this?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
