and my herpes radar will keep us safe
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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