3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
