you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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