im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Randomize
